The Princess at Fifty: Finding Confidence and Embracing Aging

"Our faces are lies and our necks are the truth" - Nora Ephron

I turned fifty at a fancy dress ball six years ago. For some reason I opted to be at a party of two hundred and fifty mostly strangers, dressed up and ignoring my half century birthday, on my birthday. The details of the decision to go escape me, as does so much these days.

I can see perhaps Grace's dress is prettier.

I bought a new dress for the event that looked like the white one Grace Kelly wore in To Catch A Thief. Strapless with a cross over gathered bustier in petal pink layered chiffon. I felt like a princess. Only my closest friends who were there knew it was my real birthday and I managed to forget all about it at the party.

Somehow, word leaked out and people started wishing me a “Happy Fiftieth.” Not, “Happy Birthday” but, “Happy Fiftieth!! Wow, that’s a big one!” Um, thanks, ya. Fun to be dressed up!

Then, from a man I didn’t know “Happy Birthday, you look pretty good for your age.” And, not in a wink-wink way, but in a “you’re so old it doesn’t really matter whether you look good or bad for your age because your age is old” kind of way. And he wandered off. 

I knocked back a glass of champers and burped, demurely. 

Wait, what? I’m a princess, though. See this dress? Princess…not empress, you jerk.

Six years later I do not remember the face of the guy but his words still burn in my ears. Couldn’t he have said I look beautiful and left the “for your age” out? But, “pretty good for your age”!? Pretty good is close to good, which lives next to bad.

My arms were totally exposed on purpose! AND, they didn’t look bad.

I didn’t look fifty! I’d show them fifty.

Was the faceless man who delivered the verbal-visual critique six years ago telling me the truth? At fifty, was I no longer relevant as a woman in the eyes of younger people.

I cannot believe I am still thinking about this. 

But, I am. 

The funny thing is, I think I do look “pretty good for my age” (barf). I exercise. I try to eat well, most of the time. I try not to drink too much, most of the time. Less than my forties, anyway. Progress. But the signs of aging are there and the whole world can see them if they care to look. 

Hands.

If you are over fifty, have you looked at your hands…with glasses on? Have you looked at your hands next to your daughter’s hands? It’s a miracle women haven’t thrown themselves off a bridge for the cruelty of what happens to our hands. Unless you think about your neck. 

Last night I picked up my copy of Nora Ephron’s I Feel Bad about My Neck. If you don’t have a copy please just get yourself one. Her reflections on the midlife neck hit the bullseye:

“You can put makeup on your face and concealer under your eyes and dye in your hair, you can shoot collagen and Botox and Restylane into your wrinkles and creases, but short of surgery, there is not a damn thing you can do about a neck. The neck is a dead giveaway. Our faces are lies and our necks are the truth.” -Nora Ephron

I would add hands to that truth. 

Here is what comes to mind when I read pieces like Nora’s: why do we feel the need to not look our age, anyway? Who cares if some rand-o guy says you look “pretty good for your age” (kill me). Like a cat with a clothespin on her tail, we tear around looking for answers. What will make me look younger!? I have one prescription, and it’s super affordable! 

Confidence!

Confidence is sexy. Having confidence probably means we feel good about ourselves and that has a lot to do with how other people see us. Confidence is not arrogance.

How do we get confidence? For starters we need to get busy. We can’t be confident and do nothing. We need to be excited about something and it can be anything at all.

And please don’t equate a midlife passion pivot with financial reward. If you want to get involved at your local school and become the best volunteer librarian, hallelujah! Have you become obsessed with Mahjong? Feel really good about teaching it to other people for free? Perfect! Get to it (and thank you, Chili). The trick is to have something to focus on other than your flown kids or reflection in the mirror.

I also find a shot of Botox gives me a shot of confidence, too. 😉 But, don’t tell.

Yours in confidence.

K

THINGS I NOTICED RECENTLY:

I think this is an interesting shift in design aesthetic: The early 1980s seem to be back! Calling all Laura Ashley fans! I did a search for furniture stores near me and this chair popped up from Wayfair of all places. I LOVE this chair and its pretty skirt and bright chintz. I want this chair. I was not looking for a chair at all. I will not buy the chair (but I really do like it) but look behind it, a dark piece of furniture! AND non-white walls. No gray in sight!!

Open up your attics and basements and let your grandma’s brown furniture freak fly! I knew it would come back.

And..

Look at Ballard Designs! They have some brown stuff in their catalog, too! And Serena and Lilly!

AND….

I was just prescribed Turmeric supplements for a painful, arthritic thumb and this aces post crossed my desk today:

The Trouble with Turmeric

That’s all for now….

xo

K

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