Eldercare Story 4: Daily care. Not how she envisioned her fifties.

We are not trained to be eldercare caregivers

Nov 03, 2024

WSG 124

Here is the fourth installment of the Eldercare series.

I am so appreciative of the women who shared their parental-care stories with Women’s Survival Guide. They are raw and real. But as we saw in Eldercare #3, not all stories are negative. I do think it’s hard to be in your fifties or sixties, kids out of the home or retired and your primary concern is now the safety and welfare of your parents.

The women who have shared their stories were not trained to be caregivers or even care-quarterbacks, but have learned fast because they have had to. The rest of us can benefit from their experience.

Please email me if you have any questions for this week’s writer.

Share Women's Survival Guide

view of seashore sunset — Photo by Igor Kasalovic on Unsplash

Summary: The daily care of her parents, shared with her sister, was not how she envisioned her fifties.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s at age 75, and that was 10 years ago. Her decline has been slow, and until last year, my dad, sister, and I managed her care. Even now, at 90, my dad still handles the laundry and prepares breakfast and lunch, while we take care of dinner. Last year, he finally agreed to let us bring in additional help, and now we have a team of four wonderful women who rotate morning shifts. Despite how fond he is of them, that's all the assistance my dad is willing to accept.

We’re constantly aware that one fall—whether by him or by her—could lead to a crisis. My dad is determined to keep her at home, and we’re doing everything we can to honor that. What he doesn’t know is that both my parents are on a waiting list for a nursing/memory care facility nearby—a place we feel comfortable with. The wait for these kinds of places can be months or even years, and they’re now at the top of the list. Whenever a spot opens, we have first right of refusal.

My mom isn’t your typical Alzheimer’s patient; her disease progression has been unusually slow. She can still do some things independently, like eating and playing games on her iPad, but she needs reminders to go to the bathroom and help with dressing.

Unlike many with Alzheimer’s, she’s actually become kinder, gentler than she was before. Most days, she’s pleasant, though she does have her "off" moments where she gets feisty. Thankfully, in five minutes, she forgets she was upset. In a strange way, her life isn’t bad—she’s surrounded by people she trusts. She still recognizes my dad and knows that my sister and I "belong," even if she no longer remembers who we are, or who her grandchildren are.

Caring for my parents has brought unexpected changes to my life. I now spend several nights a week with them, which has naturally affected my social life and reduced my ability to travel as much as I had hoped at this stage.

My days are now filled with grocery shopping, driving to medical appointments, and managing all the little details that come with caregiving. It’s a constant routine, and while it’s not what I envisioned for this stage of my life, I’m learning to adapt and find balance. Sharing the responsibility with my sister helps a lot, though it still feels like life has taken on a new rhythm—one centered around caregiving.

COMING SOON! Interview with menopause specialist Dr Heather Bartos! Please submit any questions to me for our chat:)

I have questions like: I hear I have to go off of HRT at some point if I go on it…that stinks! Then what?! What are your questions?

Dr. Heather Bartos: SO WHAT’S MY STORY?

WELL, MY PATH TO BECOMING ONE OF THE NATION’S TOP FIVE MENOPAUSE EXPERTS (ENDORSED BY NONE OTHER THAN OPRAH AND MARIA SHRIVER!) HAS BEEN FILLED WITH UNEXPECTED TWISTS, BIG A-HA MOMENTS, AND A FIERCE DETERMINATION TO REDEFINE WOMEN’S HEALTH AT EVERY STAGE—UP TO AND INCLUDING MENOPAUSE….