Eldercare Story 2 Caring for aging parents at home: Is it better than a facility?
Eldercare Stories Episode #2 Ororo Munro
WSG 118
I wish I could say Ororo’s story is unique, but it is not. I don’t think parents set out to burden their kids. Many people want to stay in their home as they age (“age in place”) despite the dangers. For some, the cost of leaving home and moving into a nursing home is prohibitive. We have all heard the pluses and minuses of both, but what happens when it’s your parents care and you are responsible?
If you read an article by Home Instead, you’d think going to a nursing home was a death sentence. Granted, Home Instead’s business is visiting care: “Home Instead provides safe and consistent care for your loved one as they age, delivered at home with both comfort and transparency.”
But what about getting lonely? And to be honest, I haven’t heard anyone report that their parents home alone with visiting care like it…at ALL. The reality is they want to be home and not have strangers in and out of their home. They want to be home the way they used to be home…young and healthy.
Imagine the possibilities for fraud and theft. But, someone needs to deliver the care. “Care” can mean checking in on someone and keeping them company, but it can also mean bathing and feeding a person and all that entails.
Today, we hear Ororo’s story of parental care. She and her sister are shouldering the responsibility of her parents’ care who live at home and do not want to move. I’ll let her words tell you the rest:
My Mom is 79-years-old and has advanced stage dementia. My Dad is her main caregiver and she requires 24-hour care. She can still feed (we’ll need to take over soon) and dress herself, but her vision is failing, so she can’t really see anything (she feels around like a blind person) and she can’t walk without assistance or she’ll fall. Her mode of transportation is a wheelchair that we push her in.
My Mom has been part of the Hospice of the Valley (HoV) program for almost a year, and they do evaluations every six months. She has a nurse that comes to check on her on a weekly basis and a CNA that comes twice a week to bathe her. This program has been a godsend. We get all of her meds and medical supplies through HoV. If anything happens to her, we call them first and they either send someone out to access her (no matter the time of day), call 9-1-1 for us, or they allow us to call 9-1-1.
My Dad doesn’t want to put her in a facility. He wants her to be at home, which is why we had an assessment done to see if she was eligible for HoV. Typically, this program is associated with the patient’s end of life, but there have been some instances where people end up leaving the program because they didn’t need it after all. Due to her needing 24-hour care makes my Mom still eligible for their services at this point in her life.
We can understand why my Dad wants her home. Statistics have shown that patients who end up in homecare facilities decline at a quicker rate. Sometimes, family really is the best medicine and I’d have to agree with that. She’s declining—but at a marathon pace, not a sprint—and I think it’s because she’s surrounded by the family she remembers.
As co-caregivers, my sister and I are basically sacrificing our lives right now. Once I got my own place, we decided to take turns living with them and trade out every Sunday at 5pm. If we want to go somewhere together, we either have to make sure my Dad can handle 3-4 hours by himself or pay to have a home health nurse come in. By the time Sunday rolls around, we’re ready to trade out. I honestly hate—and that’s such a strong word that I don’t like to use, but in this case, it’s valid--staying with my parents because of the environment. It’s so heavy with stress, worry, frustration, irritation, helplessness, fatigue, etc. We really do need to have our own places so we can decompress.
If your parents will need greater care soon, I would first look at making the decision of facility vs home. Second, take a look at finances (yours and theirs). If your parents are eligible for HoV, Medicare will cover it to a certain extent, but they don’t cover in-home care. We had an in-home nurse come twice a week for almost a year before my Dad had to cancel due to depleting funds. He couldn’t afford to have her be there all week, so my sister, who works from home three days a week, started working from home over at their house.
I feel like we’re going to have to put my Mom in a facility because at some point, my Dad won’t be able to care for her during the day while we work. But getting care for my father is something I worry about, too, and I don’t know if he has something in place for that.
The Eldercare series has its own tab on the top of WSG’s site. Next one is in three weeks, October 6th.
Here is a piece from ’s blog about her mother’s dementia. A huge thank you for writing your piece for WSG, Ororo.
A few of my favorite things!
A new book by WSG Maven, Rose Prieto! Pretty Girl Playbook (LOVE the title) is a step by step, no nonesense guide to skin care for all ages. She tailors instructions depending on the product and the age (no retinol or c serum under 17).
I am interviewing her again this week! So stay tuned for an updated interview…here is one from the past!
This post from
made me so happy on so many levels. AND, she throws in a great melange of her favorite things.Get ready a Fall wardrobe update with WSG Maven Cai Cai from the Copper Shed! You loved our last vlog…so stay tuned for next weekend!!
Do you have an elder care story like D and Ororo’s to share? Meet me in the comments or Notes or email me womenssurvivalguide@gmail.com!
xo
k
Thank you, Ororo, for this info. You and your sister are role models for all kids. My sister was the one caring for her MIL with Alzheimers. Her MIL's own sons and their wives did nothing to help. Sending hugs.
Great article Kim and Ororo! Deciding to "age in place" or move to a community is a major decision for any family and one that I've been a part of for many of my clients. There's no perfect answer, but building the right team is the best place to start.