Wsg 12 Cancer
My family and I went out West for a bike/hike adventure in Yellowstone Park (see geyser pool above and waterfall below). I like to go places and be active with the fam so we can eat a lot and stay busy. We are also better behaved with each other when someone else is around like a guide.
Getting away as a family unit, whatever that unit may be, seems to be important in keeping the unit close to one another. It’s harder as the kids get older to command them to show up, but I think they are generally happy to be taken on a trip. Yes, you have to pay for them (at least until they can pay for you:). We have three girls and they are all heading in different directions. I can see that if we don’t put the effort in to stay connected, we will drift. Like anything, close families don’t just happen. Partners/spouses/single parents have to make the decision to support their kids’ relationships with one another and themselves. Though it’s not always easy to pull kids together who aren’t crazy about one another.
I’m an only child. Don’t all run away! It’s not so bad and it’s not catchy! I grew up knowing a pair of sisters who have the loveliest relationship and I always thought ‘when I have kids I hope they are as close as Jenny and Sally (not their real names)’. To have the unwavering support of someone blood related to you in your social circle was a dream to me. That kind of love would be empowering. But alas, there is also the opposite.
When I told a friend about how lucky they were to have siblings to turn to and advocate for them, protect them from the nasty shitheads in the world, the friend said it doesn’t necessarily work like that. Your siblings can also be your adversary (at times). That was really depressing to hear. I mean, yikes! A sibling probably knows where a lot of the bodies are buried in your life. Knows your greatest weaknesses and most embarrassing moments. They know perhaps more than your parents ever know because no one tells them anything….unless. Unless your sibling tells them! I’m starting to see why the world is full of people who don’t trust each other. It has to do with a few times as kids when their rotten siblings ratted them out or hung them out to dry with their parents or friends and they never got over it. So, these smited (new word) siblings see the possible disaster in every relationship, thanks to their shithead sibling. I will stick to my only child status, thank you. No I don’t get lonely. Ask my family, I talk to myself incessantly.
As I’ve said all along, this (WSG) is an experiment. I know what I want to do but I am not sure how to get there. So, this week I am dipping into something that is reflective of my ultimate plan; interviewing sources anonymously (to you, not to me), about tough stuff.
Personally, I found the answers provided to my questions more than illuminating. For someone to share true feelings about tough subjects that they have experienced is a gift from them to us. The following interview compilation can be treated as a resource, not just a story. So, here we go.
Maven of the Week: Cancer
I sent a page of questions to several people and here is how it began:
As someone who has experienced cancer, you have a unique perspective into the overall experience. And, as someone who has come through the experience you have perspective on before, during and after recovery.
How can we be a better friend to someone who may not know what to ask of their friends and family at a time when they need help, like it or not. Or, from the opposite perspective, how do we as the cancer patient communicate our own needs to our friends and family?
Below is a list of questions asked of several cancer survivors and their families.
How did you find out about your cancer?
After my biopsy they told me to expect results in 3 to 4 days. I was very aware that if my results were clear, I would hardly remember this day and go back to normal life. And I also knew if I had cancer life would never quite be the same. I kept wondering what 3 to 4 days meant. Did the day of the biopsy count as day 1 or did the calendar start the next day? Did they work over weekends or was this business days? So the earliest I could expect the results was the Friday and the latest was Monday. I was really dreading the weekend but I ended up finding out onThursday so then the weekend was ruined.
When you told your family, did it go as you thought it would?
As I listened to the news, I made a C shape with my fingers to let my husband know I had cancer, but he thought I was making the OK sign so it was a bit of a disaster because I couldn’t understand why he was happy, and he couldn't understand why I was upset.
We both went into research mode, where should I be treated, what doctors should I see and tried semi-successfully to remain calm. I left it to my husband to tell our kids because I was a mess and didn’t want to overly upset them. He was direct and honest with them but also stressed all the positives like improvements in treatment and how lucky we are to be surrounded by such good health care. We promised to let them know if anything changed but that we should just all assume it was going to be a crappy time for a bit but that life would return back to normal. (I highly recommend this approach)
When you told your friends, did that go as you expected it to?
Initially I told a couple of very close friends and had them share the news. It’s a very emotional call and honestly completely exhausting. For me there were lots of tears and fear, but most of my friends were wonderful and really made an awful thing, slightly less awful.
If telling friends and family did not go as you thought it would, why not?
Some of my friends were horrible. They acted as if I told them I had 6 months to live and I spent half the phone call reassuring them and the other half wondering if they were right. Other friends reacted as if this was some sort of friendship litmus test. ( If I told them the news first, that meant something vs if they heard about it second hand.) The truth is some days, I felt like talking about it, and other days I didn’t and that controlled the flow of information as much as anything.
What advice would you give friends and family in dealing with their loved ones when they announce their cancer diagnosis-
I don’t think there is one answer for all people or even the same person all the time. Some days I wanted to be super upbeat and other days I wanted company for my pity party. Try hard to listen to the person and react accordingly. For example, I personally didn’t find it helpful to hear about the aunt with the cancer diagnosis that turned out to be wrong, or the miracle cure you read about somewhere on the internet. Other people might love that information.
OK- ALSO, super important- Don’t ask what stage your friend is. This is super personal information and if they want to, they will share it. Also, it’s a very outdated way of evaluating cancer. You can be stage 1 and dead in under a year (true story) and there are people who had stage 4 and are walking around 10, 20 years later.
Lastly, offering to do anything, in reality, is offering nothing. It’s too boring and meaningless. Be specific. And when it comes to food, I don’t recommend making meals. Sometimes someone would drop off a meal on a day when I had no appetite and it would make me feel guilty instead of grateful. I think restaurants or food delivery gift cards are the best option. Some people think a gift card is impersonal but what could be more personal than letting the person pick the food they want to eat when they want to eat it. But also, let the relationship dictate your choice: one friend dropped off shepherd's pie because she knew that my whole family loves it and it keeps for several days.
How long was it from when you were told you had cancer to when you had your last treatment? Are you still on medication now?
It’s been three years since diagnosis and just over 2 years since treatment ended. I am on medication now and will be for a long time.
What was the toughest part of the treatment process for you?
Cancer treatment is awful especially if you have to go through all of it (surgery, chemo, radiation, and meds) but the mental part was much worse. I kept worrying that the news was always going to be bad, and despite a decent prognosis, that the doctors were going to be wrong and I was going to die. I lived in fear that every ache in my body was the cancer spreading. Also, cancer involves a ton of waiting- waiting for test results, waiting for scans and labs, waiting for appointments to get scheduled and waiting to see if the treatment worked, waiting to recover and waiting to speak to your doctor- it really is one of the hardest parts because the results have the power to transform your life. Also I was always cold-that totally sucked (and still does).
What was the toughest part of the process for your partner?
As I answer these questions, I keep having to delete the word `we’ and type “I” because it feels, in some ways, as if your family gets cancer. You may be going through the treatment but your partner and children are completely affected- from very small things like you aren’t making their school lunch, to having them see you at your worst- weak, very mortal and worrying that you might not always be around. ( Yes, no one has that guarantee but cancer brings it to the front.) My husband was so brave for me, picking me up when I was a mess of tears on the floor, but I couldn't be there for him because I was too tired or sick.
What was the toughest part of the process for your kids? (see question 8)
Was there a piece of advice you particularly appreciated?
Yes, a doctor friend reminded me when I was trolling the internet for information (and reassurance) that any study I looked at was inherently out of date by at least 10 years. Most cancer studies are long and the results are from whatever was new and cutting edge 10 years ago.
Were there any positives in this life altering experience for you? Your family?
Well, my husband and friends were amazing. I can’t imagine going through this without such a strong support system. I never felt so loved and cared for. It also helped me cut out toxic people from my life. I have a deeper appreciation that one’s time is not infinite so I’m a bit more selfish with my time which I think is a good thing. Exercise. It cuts your cancer risk, your recurrence risk and it makes you feel better. It’s such a boring dumb answer but I am better at working out and for that I’m grateful.
Any advice that you think might be helpful for friends and family of a cancer patient?
Don’t say to them, what can I do? Be specific. Can I take the dog for walks or a period of time? Can I drive your kid home from school? Can I do a grocery run? Don’t say how sorry you are and do nothing- I still very much remember some of the small things I got- a British candy bar I love, a funny card and a list of television shows I might like and they all helped cheer me up. You can offer to do a tiny thing or a big thing depending on your relationship, but make it specific and follow through.
One big thing not to do- ask them when they had their last check up, or mammogram or colposcopy or test or how much wine they drank. I know everyone dreads getting cancer and wants to do whatever they can to avoid it, but this question has an inherent blame component. So much of cancer is just bad luck- you can eat right, exercise , watch your weight and get all the right tests and still get cancer.
Any advice that you know now that would have been helpful at the time?
Never go to the hospital alone (assuming covid restrictions get lifted). You are pretty beaten up, and you need someone who is listening, fighting and just being your advocate. This is really important. And you will end up in a pretty tight relationship with your oncologist so make sure you are happy with that choice. Also, everyone I know who had reconstructive surgery was either disappointed or it wasn’t what they thought. You feel very silly asking questions about what your breast will be like when you are dealing with cancer, but ask. How will they feel? ( Not just no feeling but what will they feel like on your body). How much of a recovery? Will this influence my treatment schedule (hint- it will.)
Asking questions of someone who has had cancer is a bit like Whack a Mole. One question gets answered and another pops up. Again and again. No cancers are the same, and treatment for the same “type” of cancer won't be the same from one person to another. The ultimate goal for the online project Women’s Survival Guide is to have the nitty gritty in depth play by play in diagnosis, treatment, doctors, hospitals, all over the country, familial relations, good advice, bad advice, scary parts, truths etc for each type of cancer. But, let’s start with this...
A RECIPE YOU WON’T HATE: easy onion garlic chicken
Ingredients
6 pieces of Chicken Thigh (with bone and skins) (though can use boneless)
1 whole Onion sliced
8 cloves of Garlic minced
2 tbsp of Brown Sugar
¼ cup of Vinegar
6 tbsp of Soy Sauce
2 ½ tbsp of Dark Soy Sauce (optional)
3 piece of Bay Leaf
1-2 tbsp of Black Pepper
¼ cup of Chicken Stock
2 tsp of Black Peppercorn
Turn the heat to medium-high and drizzle oil in a pan. Once the pan is hot, add in onion and sauté for 2-3 minutes, next add in minced garlic and sauté for another 1-2 minutes or until fragrant. Add in the chicken skin side down first and let it cook for 3-5 minutes or until the skin is golden brown.
Add in soy sauce, vinegar, black pepper, sugar, dark soy sauce, bay leaf, black pepper, chicken stock, and black peppercorn. Make sure that every piece of chicken is soaked in the sauce. Put the lid on and turn the heat to medium-low and simmer for 15 minutes.
Turn the heat back up to medium-high and start pouring the sauce all over the chicken for another 5-7 minutes.
NOW GET YOUR RICE READY… AND ENJOY!!
A Question Answered by Four Women
What are your thoughts on motorcycles? Like ‘em or no?
Not a motorcycle fan, but I like Vespas.
I don’t like them for myself. They seem noisy and dangerous.
I’m not a fan- they are dangerous
I think they can be cool, but not worth the risk. That takes away the sex appeal that might have existed at one time when there were not as many cars and people didn’t drive so fast…like Richard Gere back in the day.
So, there you have it. motorcycles are not high on the list for these women.
Thank you for joining me for another exciting edition of WSG. Please share on your social media! that would be super.
Kim, first, thank you for including me in your WSG network! I've enjoyed and greatly benefited from your posts, despite my demographic :). Second, I agree that the perspectives shared by the cancer survivors in your most recent issue were such a gift--I too found them to be more than illuminating. Possibly like many people, the thoughtfulness, guidance, recommendations and candor were more beneficial to to me than you could realize, and I am enormously grateful--to the cancer survivors, to their families, and to you--and I send them and you much, much love.
David