Thoughts on an Empty Nest

WSG 36 me

“What does a empty nest mean?

Empty nesters are parents whose children have grown up and moved out. When that happens, the reaction of parents is often called the “empty nest syndrome,” a feeling of grief and loneliness after their children leave home.” From Google

Super.

As I write this, I am a day away from my youngest’s senior prom and three from her graduation. I’m not sure how this is going to roll. I’m not the mom who cried when my kids left nursery school or when they graduated from first grade into the Brick Building, or middle school to upper school. A lot of moms did cry at those events. I totally get why it can be an emotional time. But, I was as ready for the kid to move on as the kid was ready to move on. But, here I am at The Big One: High school graduation of my youngest kid. 

Not to say people don’t feel it for their other kids. But somehow the build up to the empty nest is full of implied drama. Well, I’m not having it. I’m not going to let the fact that this gorgeous young thing, part of our daily lives for 18 years, is leaving. That we’ve had a kid in the house for over twenty years and now we won’t. Nope. It’s not going to make me sad to have the new, unblemished, better edition of me and my husband set free into this fucked up world. That she will be away from our hovering care and protection, advice and guidance. Why would it? We have our dog, Gidget, and visiting grand-cat, 7. We have full lives! Nothing to be sad about!

Let me try to believe that. I am lying to you. You know it. I know it. I may not actually cry at graduation, depends on the hormones, but I’ll be crying inside. The thing is, The Kid is ready to go. My other two were ready. I can’t feel sad that the natural progression of how things should roll is rolling. I should feel proud that the kids made it through these past two years and have seen what they have seen lately on the news and actually want to leave the house. 

”What do empty nesters do for fun?

An empty nest provides the perfect opportunity to explore or rekindle a love of hobbies like painting, calligraphy, knitting, pottery making, woodworking, sewing, cross-stitch … the creative possibilities are endless!” Google

We had what to worry about in the late 80s? Reagan, Bush, Russians…space shuttle. We graduated highschool into a time of hope and prosperity. Seriously, google 1986 just for kicks. (Let’s ignore what happened to the stock market in 1987 and the following huge recession.) Then look what a mess these kids are heading into. We didn’t know anxiety compared to our kids. If your kid becomes a pediatric psychologist they will be fully employed for life.  

” How does empty nest affect marriage?

It's characterized by feelings of sadness and loss. Parents become vulnerable to depression, identity crisis, and marital dissatisfaction. It's a common thing for many couples to experience something similar in their marriages after the kids move away from home.” Google

Let’s get back to thinking about what it’s like to stand at the abyss of the “empty nest.” I am excited for it. For the most part. We have experienced a sample of no-kids-at-home when they would all go to camp for two weeks and then a month. Personally, I thought it was super. We went out to dinner, or had no dinner, felt friskier. I knew where everything in the house was from day to day because No One Was Crapping Up The House. We doted on our small dog, who loved the attention. The dog is never grumpy, just smelly. Sort of like a real kid without the grumpy part. 

I have spent time over the years making sure I have plenty to do. I wasn’t the type to focus solely on my kids. That is in no way a brag. I have incredible respect for friends who orchestrated their kids' lives with a level of executive function I do not possess. At all. My husband also was not the sort to override their personal interests or lack of them. We made them do lots of things but not to the point of getting recruited for college. That is a whole other WSG interview waiting to happen, the semi professional high school athlete’s parents. I will do that one. 

Back to the abyss. You know, having two kids already in college I have noticed it’s pretty great! They have come to appreciate the parts of home life that do not exist at school. They may have noticed we aren’t as ogre-like as they thought we were when they were in high school (“you guys are the strictest parents and no one likes you!”). They still come home a lot and at predictable times: fall break, Thanksgiving, winter break, spring break, summer. Here is a thought:  If you are having a hard time with them graduating high school, know this, graduating from college must be a lot worse. After college, they have no set schedule and the only reason to come home is because they are fitting it into their new schedule that you do not pay for or have any control over. Now that, my parent friends, is abject terror. Post college graduation is a truly emptied nest. 

Unless they come and live with you after school. 

“What are 3 key characteristics of empty nesters?

• Grief. Empty nesters can feel a deep sadness and may even begin to experience the five stages of grief.

• Emptiness. You may feel adrift like a boat without a rudder. Your life can suddenly feel empty.

• Fear and worry. You might be uncertain and afraid of your life ahead.” From Google

I haven’t read much about the empty nest. I don’t need to. It’s a simple equation: House - kids = House + no kids. So, no kids means….alright, you get it. You’ve seen it coming a million miles away. Like so many other things in life, it’s not a mystery or a surprise when kids leave the house “for good”. A huge part of why I started this project has to do with the empty nest and our shifting lives in general. You don’t need kids to feel the change that comes at a certain point in your life.

“Empty Nest” is a loaded term. People do not always like it. It’s a little cute for what it refers to, but still a downer. “Empty nest” has a negative feeling to it, like: barren womb, or terminal illness, middle age or senior citizen. But, as my dad says, ‘if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…’ well, it’s obviously a duck. Personally, I think the term ‘empty nest’ has a positive connotation of new beginnings, freedom, and an inference that it’s been a productive 18 plus years. Perhaps it may mean you really cleaned out your house, which deserves praise!

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I love this photo, it makes me smile. Don’t they look happy? Well, they should! They are “empty nesters!”

It is the lead image for a Mayo Clinic article titled “How You Can Enjoy The Empty Nest.” Here is a LINK. In a nutshell, the gist is:

““If your last child will soon be leaving home, planning ahead can help keep empty nest syndrome at bay,” says Dr. Sosso. “Look for new opportunities in your personal and professional life. Keeping busy or taking on new challenges at work or home can help ease the sense of loss.”

Makes sense.

BTW, this is BY NO MEANS a female issue. In fact, I think it may be a bigger problem for today’s men. They have been allowed by society to be much more involved in their kids’ lives than their father’s were, and they love it! The end of high school sports or other activities, having to stay sober on the weekends so you can pick up kids at night are behavioral guardrails for Dads as well as Moms. Behavioral guardrails. Now there is a thought. Kids’ care can be safety nets for parents as they need a lot of attention and money…and sober drivers. So, we could become drunken, carousing, louts if we don’t have something to take care of..be sure to get a dog or cat, maybe a parrot. Something that needs sober care. That advice is totally free. You’re welcome!

I want to give a shout out to Google for providing some comic relief in defining the concept of the “empty nest.” I don’t think they meant to be funny, though.

I have several interviews nearly completed but I am going away for a bit with my family to France. You know what that means by now? Travelog!! 

All the best,

K