Sexy Time

WSG 28 Dr. Carol Queen

Feb 20, 2022

I wanted to interview a sexologist for Valentine’s Day. I had the idea a while ago because, why not? If no one needed a sexologist then there wouldn’t be any. I have a few, a very few, friends who are able to talk about sex and treat it as an everyday thing. I mean, not actually everyday, but a normal activity, not secret or “special.” So, I reached out to them for ideas.

LINK to FIRST PODCAST!

One friend told me to check out Good Vibrations (LINK) the “premiere sex-positive sexual health and wellness toy retailer in the US with outlets in Cambridge and Brookline as well as 9 in CA (7 in the San Fran area), (could they possibly be in more liberally minded locations in our country?). It took me a while but I finally visited a location in Cambridge, Harvard Square. And though I had the information about Good Vibes for over three years, the only reason I did finally go was because I was about to interview Dr. Carol Queen, the Good Vibrations Chief Sexologist since 1990. I figured I had better get over there and see what the store was about. I am chagrined by the amount of time it took me to get to the store. Only good could come from the trip, so why wait for three years? I will blame COVID.

At the store I was helped by Chloe (not her real name) who is young enough to be my daughter and in college. I was loitering around waiting for the other woman to help me because she looked to be at least 35. No go. She had her hands full with a guy who had a lot of questions. I thought it was pretty neat that this guy, a construction worker on his lunch break maybe, was comfortable enough to talk to her about all the different dildos and vibrators he was handling.

I lightened up and let the youngster help me. I told her I was going to be interviewing Dr. Queen and she gushed that she had had the honor of meeting her. She told me that she loved working at Good Vibes where sex is a normalized experience. She grew up in rural Texas and sex was not a topic to discuss openly which made her very curious. She can’t tell her parents she works at Good Vibes, they would not approve, she said. A pretty amazing first fifteen minutes in the store!

So, we picked out some things together and I gave them to my husband for Valentine’s Day. There is something satisfying about acknowledging an awkward topic and coming out the better for it. Is it like when you finish your mammogram? Taking control of something and checking the box? Maybe. But this is something that isn’t really a box to check because it’s on going and fluid (hee hee), your sexuality. And, hopefully, it involves more people than just you.

When I reached out to the couple of friends I know that are comfortable in their physical skin, I also asked my doctor for recommendations for a sex therapist or sexologist (similar but different). I love my doctor, I do. But, she said she didn’t know any. I am pretty confused about this. I mean, the activity of sex can make and break relationships, cause undue stress, anxiety, lots of medical issues and provide lots of pleasure. So, why wouldn’t a sexologist be in every GP’s stable of doctors they recommend to their patients? Dr. Queen said that, unfortunately, med school barley talks about sex or pleasure based things. They can help with reproductive issues, erectile dysfunction, menopause, but not pleasure function. Which is a shame, when you think about it.

The exercise of conducting the interview with Dr. Queen, visiting Good Vibes and talking to the kinder-clerk, seeing the customers, and just thinking about sex and its place in people’s lives was really enlightening. I hope you find the following uplifting (hee hee) and inspiring. PS, don’t forget to look for my first podcast with Dr. Queen, dropping this week!

“My focus, whether writing, speaking, consulting, or providing erotic entertainment, is to empower and inspire others to discover their own unique sexual profile - we have to remove the stigma from sex before we can make it fabulous. I have had to struggle to find the place and permission to express my own sexuality, and I am committed to facilitating others as they do the same. Until we honor the full spectrum of consensual erotic desire, none of us will be truly free to pursue our own.” LINK

I emailed Dr. Queen after finding her on Good Vibration’s site. She got back to me the same day. I was both surprised and thrilled. So began a new friendship. She was happy to be interviewed and also agreed to be my first…podcast interview. Just like that. So we recorded yesterday and I think it went well. I have so many more questions for her and we haven’t even covered the female orgasm. So, lots more to look forward to with Dr. Queen. Back to her:

Like my friendly clerk at Good Vibes, Dr. Queen had a lot of curiosity about sex that was clearly, even aggressively taboo in her home. Her mom had experienced sexual trauma in her youth and passed on the feeling of sex can be dangerous, and shameful. Instead of closing sex out of her life it only made her more curious. She sought out information at the library. She set off on a path of discovery.

After college she got involved helping friends with AIDS and educating those who didn’t know about it in the gay community. The AIDS education process turned into a much broader focus to socio/sexuality. She began working at Good Vibrations in 1990 one day a week. Founded by a sex educator, Good Vibrations wanted to bring information and communication into the process of buying a toy and/or exploring sexuality. She had begun her training as a sociologist, then switched to sexology ("from people in groups to their individual sex lives" she says) but found that she was less interested in wearing a white coat and talking about your orgasm and more about education and the overlap between the cultural messages we get, and what individuals do with them. Sexology is an academically specialized focus on "what people do sexually and how they feel about it," as the founder of her sexology program liked to describe it. A “sexpert” is someone who fancies themselves well informed about the subject. Not the same thing.

Questions

How does one jump start their sex life in a longterm relationship if it has stalled?

First, she recommends a book, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Next, understand that living together in a long term, trusting relationship is admirable! But, over time, distance between you can creep in. You’re both busy. You’re both stressed. If you have kids, even teenagers, they wander in unpredictably. Stress in general takes its toll on sexual health. Everyone wants a better sex life, but no one will initiate the conversation. Harder for some is the reality that the insane rip-eachother’s-clothes-off sex you had way back, is long gone. Dr. Queen points out that those days of that kind of sex were the matching up period, so you’re matched now. Things change, though it doesn't have to be the end of passion, just different.

Dr. Queen recommends a book, The Great Sex Weekend by sexologists Pepper Schwartz and Janet Lever, as a way to break the ice. She says sometimes getting out of the house is key to your sex life. I always wondered what all those ads on TV for cruises were about. Now I understand! They were for long term couples to get it on in peace and without distraction! And an open bar. I digress. Dr. Queen says, don’t fight the facts of a busy and stressful life. But, make sure both of you want to get into the space of intimacy.

How do we start to talk about sex with our partner?

She recommends starting with smaller, easier topics like sex ed in the schools, or the latest news. Send an article about sex and ask your partner what they think about about it? Then it can be a conversation on a date night or watching tv. And then, perhaps the conversation not about your sex life can ease into a conversation about your sex life. As she says, thinking “it will just happen” won’t happen. A map needs to be built, a trail of breadcrumbs needs to be left for the other to follow.

What if one of you never wants to have sex again?

Time to involve a professional is what Dr. Queen says. You need to make sure something else isn’t wrong like depression or diabetes.

Viagra. Thoughts?

She says Erectile Dysfunction aids can help an actual physical function and provide the reassurance for him that the dysfunction won’t be an issue (or embarrassment). The pill can alleviate anxiety, which in turn creates a better place to start from. She says popping that pill is a pro-sexual thing to do. It removes a barrier, be it physical or mental or both, so a couple can get on with getting it on in a free to be way. It removes a “hill brake.” The certainty creates a baseline for comfort for both parties. But, please get the prescription from your doctor and not from a stranger online. ED can be a sign of serious underlying health issues.

The Brake and the Accelerator, what does sexual spontaneity mean?

She likes it in the morning, he likes it when no kids are in the house. She needs goo for ease. He feels more confident with a viagra. She needs to “warm up.” He needs to feel romantic. Both people need to be in the process of moving forward toward a goal of intimacy for anything to happen. So, perhaps spontaneity is relative to the situation? In order to progress, maybe there needs to be a process. A calendar, some flirty texts. Dr. Queen says you don’t both have to be revved up. You have to be willing to move forward and have the experience. If you can get there, then you can both feel, “that was totally worth it.”

Is there a “normal” frequency for a long term couple?

Dr. Queen says: Not really! It's a little unusual to stay in the 'like bunnies" stage, though there are some people with higher sex drives who seem to do that. It's probably somewhat more common to tail off altogether, but lots of the long-term couples I speak with seem to have settled into a "once a week to once a month or so" schedule. Staying active (even at this pace) helps you continue to stay active. But for older readers, I'd also recommend the wonderful Joan Price, who writes books about sex and older folk--they're just great.

Talk about touch. When we first get together as a couple we tend to hold hands a lot and touch each other frequently. Years later, perhaps a few kids, and the touching subsides, or becomes mechanical. We discussed the importance of touch for touch's sake and not as a precursor to intimacy. Can you talk more about this?

The thing about touch is that it can maintain interpersonal connection and intimacy--without any sexual element, even, and in this context it's a building block of wellbeing. (Sexual touch can be, too.) But when touch between partners stops, intimacy can wane, because it sends a signal that can be read as "I don't want to be intimate any more." (Even if the person doesn't mean to send that message! This is why communicating is so important.) Often, the touch stops specifically because one or both partners have grown uncomfortable sexually (like having undisclosed ED, for instance--that's pretty common). So the touching stops because one or both partners read it as a precursor to sex, and if sex is fraught, the touch carries that message. MUCH better to open up about it and agree to have at least that friendly and familial touch together, agreeing it isn't coded as approaching each other for sex. (But if this conversation or negotiation is too hard, a therapist might help.)

At the end of our first conversation you say “we need to figure out how to wiggle before we jive.” I love that. Can you tell us what you mean by that sentence?

Did I say that? LOL! Were we talking about experiencing pleasure during sex, maybe? Because the "wiggle" might have been me referencing moving the body, being engaged physically in the sex (as opposed to lying there). This actually revs up arousal and adds to pleasure and desire. So first the wiggle...then the jive!

What else would you like to add, Dr Queen?

To conclude... Most of us don't get either enough sex information or have mentors in our life who help us learn to talk fearlessly about sex. It's one thing to feel private about it--but if relatedly we can't bear to talk about it, that's not the way sexually satisfied people generally live, and you can learn to get more comfortable talking and sharing! I urge everyone to take that leap (with the help of a sex therapist or coach if needed), because it is so worth it. If fear, shame, or even trauma is hidden under there, get it out in the sunlight (or I should say moonlight, huh?)--it will help you feel better in yourself, in your relationships, and it will help you have more satisfying sex.

Books By Dr. Queen:

Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture

Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot

The Leather Daddy and the Femme

Books Recommended by Dr. Carol Queen

Love In The Time of Corona, Dr. Diana Wiley PhD

The Great Sex Weekend, Pepper Schwartz

Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel

What Fresh Hell is This?, Heather Corinna (@ menopause)

Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski

CQ's book: The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone: https://www.goodvibes.com/s/sex-toys/p/GV13689/good-vibrations-toys/the-sex-pleasure-book

Thank you so very much for this interview, Dr. Queen. I know it will be helpful (and inspiring) to many readers.

A Recipe You Wont Hate: Mafongo

A staple of Puerto Rico, this fried plaintain mash can be served with a simple salad or rice and beans. And beer.

Ingredients

Makes 4 servings

4 green plantains

2 cups canola or olive oil

Kosher salt to taste

6 garlic cloves

2 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

1 pound crisp fried pork rinds, also known as chicharrón

1 slice of bacon, cooked

1 cup low-sodium chicken stock

Step 1

Peel plantains and cut into one-inch slices.

Step 2

In a large saucepan or deep fryer, heat oil to 350 degrees. Add plantain slices in two batches and fry for 7 minutes, turning once, until light golden but not browned. Drain on paper towels.

Step 3

In a large mortar or big bowl, crush garlic cloves with pestle or the back of a spoon and sprinkle with salt. Add olive oil to the mixture and keep pounding until it's well incorporated. Transfer to a small bowl.

Step 4

In the same mortar or bowl, crush half of the fried plantain slices with half of the pork rinds, 1/2 slice of cooked bacon, and half the garlic aioli and pound or smash together. Add up to 1/2 cup chicken stock as needed, to make it moist.

Step 5

Spoon the mixture and shape into two-inch balls. Repeat with remaining ingredients and keep in warm oven until ready to serve. Top with more crushed chicharrón, or cilantro if you wish.