One Woman's Journey to Sobriety

No judgement WSG 85

I’ve known Karen Fabbri through our kids’ schools for many years and we live in the same neighborhood. Remember the mom who would be the MC each year at the nursery school fundraiser? Up there on the stage with a mic in one hand and drink in the other who egged us all on to bid and bid until we raised unseemly amounts of money? That’s Karen! We have always been friendly but have never seen each other outside of school events. Quite recently, I saw her on Instagram celebrating her third year of sobriety. Well, hmmm. Did I know she had had a problem with alcohol? Not really, we all were social wine-loving moms. So, no judgment. 

Meanwhile, I had been trying to find someone to interview about their recovery for quite a while. News flash: not many people want to talk about their personal addiction journey. So, when I saw that post on Instagram, I DM’d Karen and asked her if she'd share her sobriety journey and not surprisingly, she said ‘yes!” Below is her story along with the “5 stock questions” and a recipe! 

Maven of the week! Karen Fabbri!

When I saw the post about her milestone of three years of sobriety I assumed a few labels. Then I realized, it isn’t for me to name what she experienced. My first question to her was what prompted the sober journey?: She said “alcohol use disorder.” For some that could be deemed alcoholism. Or, alcohol addiction. The crux of the matter was she realized alcohol was and had been a big problem for her and she wanted it to stop. Define it however you want. 

She did not do a 12 step program. She never stood up in front of a room full of people and had to label herself an alcoholic. She says she knew she wasn’t doing herself any favors with her drinking. She knew she had surrounded herself with friends who loved to share cocktails together. She was in the retail business and always entertaining, always having sip and shops. It was “not a problem.” 

Then COVID happened. 

She said that COVID not only changed her life, it may have saved her life. 

At first, there was a lot of COVID cocktailing on Zoom or outside. Life gives you lemonade, make a lemon-tinis. She said her regular, already questionable alcohol intake went up. Meanwhile, she had closed her business. She had kids heading to college. She was struggling with her identity. Big time. She was drinking more and struggling with her life long bouts of depression. There was no “low” point that many recovering addicts speak about, but there were a lot of areas of her life that weren’t working for her anymore. She woke up one day and saw the way she was living her life wasn’t serving her anymore.

Intense therapy was something she had thought about. She had a therapist but the idea of delving deep wasn’t something that fit into her busy day to day life. But, COVID happened. She suddenly had the time and the inclination to “do the hard work” of attachment therapy. Her therapist said ‘we have the time now. Let’s commit to a weekly Zoom session and take apart the past together’. 

In Karen's head since childhood were the phrases “You are too much” and “you’re never enough.”  Through her intensive therapy she embarked on reparenting her inner child. She said she knows it sounds all loosey goosey flaky to talk about attachment therapy and your inner child, but she said breaking it all down and doing the hard work of recognition rewires your nervous system. The healing started happening with her mental state, but she still had to address the state of her physical health, her diet and her drinking. 

Two years before, a friend had gone through her own transformation and owed a lot of it to a woman named Ellie Sardina, a physical trainer located in Boston. For two years Karen had this woman's number and didn’t use it.  As she embarked on her mental health healing she felt it was time to reach out to the woman who had turned her friend’s life around through weight lifting. Ellie, the trainer, happens to focus on middle aged women. Karen said Ellie was really honest with her. She said she could help her but there was a lot Karen would need to change. Ellie would teach her how and what to eat, she needed to come twice a week and most of all, she needed to stop drinking alcohol. She said “you won’t reach your goal if you don’t stop drinking.” Karen said the first day she went to Ellie's gym she thought she would die from the work out. Ellie put the weights in her hands and said ‘you can do this.’ After her first day she said she felt powerful. She said if someone like Ellie can believe in me, then I need to believe in me. Karen promised herself a week sticking to Ellie’s rules. One week. And then she’d see where she was, if she could make the week without a drink. Three years later she still goes twice a week and has lost forty pounds.

For Karen, Ellie was the higher power people in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) talk about. Karen noted that the dieting regime was a lot easier than not drinking, In general she said she was drinking a half bottle plus a night of wine. Her body was wired for the dopamine reward and when it stopped getting its treat it (the addiction) started causing trouble. By day five of her first week Karen was struggling to not drink. Through Google searches she discovered a Redditt channel called r/stopdrinking. It has been an intrinsic part of her ongoing recovery. Like an AA meeting people discuss their ups and downs with recovery. It is anonymous and people sign off “I will not drink with you today.” Karen  said she would go to it for strength. and still does, everyday. You and only you can decide to stop drinking and to do so it has to be one day at a time. Expecting anything more would be a recipe for disappointment. She still sees her recovery this way. 

She does a lot of reading about the effects of alcohol and the brain. The science is damning and profound on the subject. As Karen lost weight and gained strength she also was thinking more clearly and more deeply. She looked better, brighter. She said she isn’t so sure this metamorphosis could have happened without COVID. A big part of COVID was the inability to socialize in large groups. It was easier to not drink and keep her daily recovery regime by not seeing her drinking buddies. Makes sense. As COVID lifted she saw that her new self was going to be hard for some to handle. There is judgment in not drinking. There is judgment in drinking too much. If you’re not drinking you must have a problem.  

Everything is much quieter now in Karen’s life, more meaningful. She feels like she doesn’t have to look a certain way any longer, or to be the life of the party as she was for so many years. She sees herself at age eleven, a chubby kid in shorts that were too tight trying to fit in and weathering her parents divorce. She pictures her holding that younger self’s hand and telling her it will be OK. 

Both of her kids have expressed how proud they are of her and how much closer she is to them now. She says how most of their childhood she was the storm in their lives and she regrets that. Our brains are wired to seek comfort. We do the best we are capable of and we struggle. She was part of the Mommy Wine TIme culture, as many of us have been. It’s hard parenting! Have a drink! But, now, she isn’t a slave to drinking and it feels like a super power. She says was secretly jealous of those people who feel fantastic at seven in the morning and now she is one of them. 

She is aware she is privileged to be able to take the time, do the workouts, and the therapy. Her hope is to find a way to help others through coaching to achieve their own self help goals. She is available for anyone who has questions about her journey.

Very helpful links from Karen:

• There is a podcast she thinks we need to hear and share with our teens and above about what alcohol does to your brain health by (Scott) Huberman Labs https://www.hubermanlab.com/episode/what-alcohol-does-to-your-body-brain-health

• Here is the Reddit Chanel she spoke of: https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/new/

• She also regularly search for podcasts about dopamine and the brain as she finds it fascinating.

• Useful books to learn about alcohol’s impact on our bodies- This Naked Mind and Alcohol Explained. And there are tons of great quit lit books as well for guidance and inspiration.

• Last but not least, the Instagram contact for Ellie the wonder trainer! Ellie Sardina @ellies_body_shop

Five Stock Questions for Karen Fabbri!

What did you want to be when you grew up? - a talk show host or a lawyer

What are you excited about now? - travelling more now that I’m an empty-nester and working on a book I’ve been toying with.

What books are on your bedside table? - Tom Lake, Dopamine Nation, and The Body Keeps The Score

What do you do to relax? - I love to read, walk my dogs around the Public Garden, lift weights and take a regular Taylor Swift Soul Cycle class.

What category/subject  would you add to the Guide? - changing your life at any age

A recipe you won’t hate! Keto Meatballs!

INGREDIENTS

• 1 tablespoon grass-fed butter

• 1 medium white onion finely copped

• 1 pound ground beef chuck works great!*

• 1/2 cup ground pork rinds or 1/3 cup almond flour

• 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese

• 1/3 cup heavy whipping cream

• 1/4 cup fresh parsley finely chopped

• 1-2 teaspoons kosher salt to taste

• 1/2 teaspoon black pepper freshly ground

• 1 clove garlic finely minced or pressed

• 1 egg lightly beaten

• our keto marinara sauce to taste (I do roughly 2 cups)

Serving suggestions

• garlic bread with our 90 second keto bread!

• mashed cauliflower

• zoodles i.e. zucchini noodles!

• INSTRUCTIONS

  • Melt a tablespoon of butter in a skillet or pan over medium heat. Add the onion, a pinch of salt, and sauté until it just begins to caramelize (6-8 minutes). Remove from heat and set aside to cool. 

  • Add the ground meat, crushed pork rinds (or almond flour), Parmesan, heavy cream, parsley, cooked onion, egg, salt, and pepper to a large bowl. Mix everything thoroughly together using your hands and taste for seasoning by cooking a small amount (only way around it!). Form into rounds (either 20 small-is ones or 14 large). 

  • Heat up a touch of olive oil in your skillet over medium heat and cook the meatballs until brown all over and cooked through. You'll want to turn them around a few times so they cook evenly. If you've got an instant thermometer, your meatballs are cooked through once they reach 165°F/75°C in the center. 

  • Place the cooked meatballs on paper towels to drain. Heat up the marinara sauce, add back the meatballs and mix gently before serving.

• YUM! count me in!!

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That’s all for this week! Karen and I would love to hear from you! What’s on your mind?

xo

K