Marie and Martha meet in my imagination!

Marie and Martha have a fight but Gwyneth makes it better

May 24, 2026

Marie Kondo called and she wants her book back. She said “You don’t deserve to have a copy of my book in that pig stye you call your house!” I said, “Marie. Marie. You are looking at a pig stye, it’s my garden. My garden is muddy and not looking too good, like a pig stye. But, my home isn’t too bad, it’s just time to Spring Clean and Decrap the House!”

Marie was silent. Clearly thinking about my house and how to get her book back. Then Martha Stewart called on the other line and said we needed to talk. I said “Marty, I have Marie on the other line and she’s chewing me out about my home and garden. She says she wants her book back.”

There was silence from Martha, well, almost silence. I could hear the purr of one of her Persians and clicking sound of her speed knitting. “It’s “Martha” to you. Conference me in” she said.

So I did.

“Marie.”

“Martha.”

“Yes! Look at us, all on the line together! Marie Kondo and Martha Stewart! You two have a lot in common! Have you met before?”

The two responded in unison “Yes.” Their tone gave me the chills. This might not go well.

“Marie, I hear you want your book back from our friend here. Do you make a habit of harming the neediest? Or, is your ego so huge you can’t stand that this one is a failure that you cannot improve on with your sweet little book? I mean, honestly, Marie. You need to let your hair down once in a while and live among the masses.”

“Me. Let my hair down, Martha? Oh, that’s rich coming from the ice queen craft lady. Are you going to crochet me death? What, are you going to decorative paint a gardener for her? Or, cook her a way to be more organized? Good luck with that! No one can follow your recipes, anyway. They’re awful. Everyone knows that.”

“Marie! You’re such a bitch! You wouldn’t know something ‘good’ if it bit you on your tiny nose! You’d have thrown it in the trash! Your answer to everything by the way…I’ll show you what sparks joy for me!”

“Ladies! Oh no! Let’s not fight! Please! Martha, stop making that gesture. Really! I had no idea you two didn’t get along! You’ve both meant so much to me throughout my life! Martha, I had a subscription to your magazine from the beginning and have kept so many! I bought from your catalog, I used your little recipes that came from the magazine religiously!

Marie! I haven’t known you for as long as Martha, but the impact of your beautiful little book! I bring it out several times a year to encourage me to declutter and consider what is important to me. It’s next to my bed, Marie!

Ladies, you represent the best in modern home making! We all look up to you and all that you’ve accomplished. You’re an inspiration not only as home makers but as business people. Martha, you built an empire! Marie you have created an art form!”

“Please don’t compare me to that jail bird! Is anything ever enough for you, Martha?! You and your collections of things, pets, houses, gardens, crafts! The clutter and the fur! Disgusting.”

“Marie, I’d like to wipe that calm demeanor right off of your face. I’d like to put more than a hair out of place on that pretty little head, Marie. Yes I would. And don’t accuse me of being a jail bird! I didn’t do anything that most guys haven’t done. At least I spent my time teaching people to knit. I feel good about my time in the big house and I lost some weight and dried out, too. Never felt better if I’m honest. But, thanks for mentioning it. Cow.”

I realized I was not going to fix this with kind words. I needed real action fast. I took out my phone and texted an LA number…and soon I had an incoming call. “Ladies! Hold on a min…I have to answer this call”

I clicked over and said, “Please, you’ve got to do something! They’re at each other’s throats and they are starting to threaten each other!” She answered: “Patch me in”

“Gwyneth.” The other two said in unison.

“Oh, you have her number?” I said.

“Duh” they both said in unison again.

Marie said “Well, well, well if it isn’t the bimbo-nepo-baby. Done anything all on your own lately, Gwynnie?” She smirked.

Martha added, “How’s the aging thing, Gwennie? Not looking like a little rose bud these days, are you? Going to talk about your V-JJ for attention, are we? That candle, puleeese. How disgusting.”

Marie says “Too right, Marts. How much attention DO you need woman-child?”

Martha says “Precisely, Mar. Precisely. When you don’t have actual talent….”

Gwyneth replied” Listen you old cows, hang it up already. You two are so out of touch you’re a Blackberry. Who wants to listen to two uptight judgy OCD bores, like you?!”

"Listen, Blythe and Bruce’s child, why don’t you go and find another thing no one needs and sell it? You’re so good at selling yourself…” as she rolled her eyes that ended in a side smile.

“You literally copied what I did, only less well. Way to be original.” Martha noted.

Marie said, “Mart, you are too right. What a faker wanna-be! And I loathe your aesthetic, Gwyneth, it’s so LA lame.”

Martha chirped “Mar Mar, I love your spirit. Who knew! You, my friend, are the bombest of the bombs in home care organization. The discipline you have! It’s a total turn on. I doff my bespoke garden cap to you!”

“Mart, which of your houses are you in? Shall we grab a matcha? I can send my jet for you.”

“Mar Mar, let’s take this to a more private line and plan. Caio, Gwyneth.” And they were gone.

“Well, that was weird. I’m really sorry about that Gwyn. They totally ganged up on you. I didn’t see that coming! So, about my spring cleaning. Any advice? Gwyn? Hello?

“It’s Gwyneth. And, no.” Then silence.