Love Yourself

WSG 35 Lilea Simis

Happy Memorial Day (totally makes no sense to say Happy Memorial Day)

Next coffee will be JUNE 8th, 9:30 on Wednesday at Lucie The Colonnade Hotel Boston

Love Yourself

Each morning Lilea looks into the mirror with direct eye contact and says “I love you.” She told me about this daily morning ritual toward the end of our phone interview and noted it was a bit embarrassing. But, it’s not, really. Life for the past few years has been revealing, raw, maybe a little embarrassing. Those we are closest to have seen us at our most fragile. Covid laid a lot bare. A little self affirming love is something I also found helpful after hitting a wall of self loathing mid 2021. But, see? I kept that to myself because it seems so personal. 

Did you ever have the experience in a store during COVID when everyone was brittle, masked, shielded and scared and one person was completely losing it over who knows what? Anything could trigger the loss of composure, it seemed. The rest of us kept our heads down thinking, “coulda been me, losing it.” Weird. 

Back to self love. I have visited this topic in a number of different ways. I really meant it when I said “dont’ be your own bad boyfriend.” Don’t talk down to yourself in secret. Today’s interview came about when I heard about Lilea completing a “Run The Year” challenge (link), but walking it as many people do. I wanted to know more about it. How she came about doing the challenge and why.

The thrust of this interview does not deal so much with the physical challenge, as mental. Lilea has struggled with her weight for much of her life and though different diets may have helped, in the end it is self love and the hard work of discovering why food became her achilles heel that has made her feel good about herself and body. 

Just because we are in our mid fifties (or whatever age over 45) does not mean we are fully formed. Meaning, the way we are right now is not how we have to be. We don’t have to be angry about something that we have been since high school. We don’t have to drink too much all the time. We don’t have to starve ourselves to fit the image that Instagram shoves at us. But, to break out of that mold (we created for ourselves) is hard work. It’s uncomfortable. It’s embarrassing to admit to personal failure. But it sounds like it’s worth it. Lilea found a quote that is powerful to her: “every choice in a chance.” I agree. I’d either like a needlepoint pillow with the quote on it or a tattoo. Still deciding.

The interview with Lilea is about breaking oneself to fix oneself. Don’t worry, it’s not painful (physically) and it’s basically free. You just need the time and the willpower to get you where you need to go. For you. 

Onward!

Maven of the Week! Lilea Simis!

Lilea and Quintin

In 2020 Lilea decided to take up a challenge along with a group of women she met through a podcast’s Facebook site called Losing 100 Pounds by Corine Crabtree. Lilea had sought ways to change her behavior as it relates to her body and weight after a frank exchange she had with one of her teenage daughters. Her daughter told her basically, “you are my role model and you obviously do not love yourself by the way you treat your body, so what am I supposed to do with that?” It took Lilea a while to process what her daughter told her. She needed to figure out why this was true and what she could do to change.

Part of Lilea’s journey was discovering the podcast completely by mistake online. She wasn’t looking for weight loss at all. But, there it was so she checked it out. The original name was PhitNPhat.com and the star is Corine Crabtree. Crabtree life coaches with blunt humor and as Lilea puts it: a potty mouth shock factor. Lilea felt understood, supported and motivated and maybe even a bit scared by the frank talk. No one had been so blunt about bad behavior as it relates to eating. Crabtree shines a spotlight into the dark corners of obesity. Soon Lilea discovered the Facebook group affiliated with the podcast and got to know some women virtually. They took their group of ten to the Marco Polo App that works like a “video walkie talkie” and away they went! A woman from Colorado who suggested they try the Run The Year challenge. Of the seven women who committed to the challenge three finished including Lilea. 

Run The Year stipulates a committed participant runs or walks the number of miles in the current year. Last year Lilea walked about 5 and a half miles a day to total 2021 miles in 365 days. The actual walking was physically good for her, or course. But the added benefits were to be alone (she still has one of four kids home), and in nature. Run The Year requires participants to buy their app that keeps track of miles, so the phone comes on all walks. Sometimes Lilea listens to podcasts: Deepak Chopra is one, Brene Brown, Elizabeth Benton, Mel Robbins are others. Sometimes she has silence or other people join her. She always has her dog, Quintin, with her. 

She started taking photos when she walked and posting them on her Facebook site. She also writes thoughts that develop while walking. The regularity of her walks and postings created a following LINK. In deep COVID people felt shut in and her beautiful photos, (did I mention she lives in Acadia, Mt. Desert Island, Maine?) and positive thoughts grew to be something people looked forward to each day. They still do! Lilea is doing the Run The Year challenge again this year.   

She says she hasn’t so much lost weight as she has created a path and support system within which to do so. She feels great and healthy. Walking provides her the space to do the work of self discovery in her head. How she feels about herself. The thoughts she acts on that keep her from getting to her goals and why she has them. 

Tougher Issues

Lilea switched gears. We started talking about the tougher issues underlying the positive steps she has been taking in the past couple of years. Working on herself, Lilea wondered why care about the shapes and sizes of people. Society is clear they feel fat people are lazy and that fat is not attractive. But, why? There are clear health issues connected to being overweight. But, If your natural self is heavier than what society wants, how do you love yourself? If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect others to? 

Lilea told me that when people in her family watch what she eats, or talk to her about her food intake, it pisses her off. Her revenge is to eat the brownie or finish the bag of chips. She is fully aware she only hurts herself. The food and complexity of food in her family is a conundrum. She says she always thought they didn’t know that she secretly ate when no one was around. She “ate her emotions.” Then she had the conversation with her daughter and she realized she needed to work on this if not for her sake then for the sake of her family. 

She began by creating a kindness to herself. She looks in the mirror every morning, directly into her own eyes and says out loud “I love you.” When she told me, I teared up. It’s a naked gesture. Try it. It’s not an easy thing to do. The next thing she started to do was to think of her body as her home. Would she treat her home badly? Throw a ton of crap into it? No. But the real work was the “why.”

Why is it food that gets her through the moment? She has not been able to enjoy a ‘few bites’ of something and had/has to finish the bag of chips. She noted, “if no one sees you, then it doesn’t count.” There was always an excuse. Sometimes there still is, but she knows what she’s doing now. She feels good about her body these days. She has bought clothing that fits her curves and doesn’t try to hide them. When she asked her husband to help her in the past not to let her revenge eat he told her that it is her journey. She is responsible for what goes into her mouth. He is supportive of her process, but will not enforce it for her.  

I haven’t talked about the “why.” Lilea knows that behind her issues with food lies the desire to not be seen. Her experience in high school with a family friend, who took advantage of her and blamed her for his actions, made her want to disappear. As a beautiful teenager she was too “seen.” So she, perhaps unknowingly, began to transform herself into someone less seen, by eating. At times over the years she was considered obese. Like so many maladies in life that present one way (obesity as lazy), the underlying issue is mental and the solution is mental, not physical (obesity as self loathing or anxiety).

I’m not going not get all preachy about America and it’s issues with guns, addiction, mental health and expectations. But, addiction is not a choice. Mental health is not a choice. Obesity and anorexia are not choices, but they are symptoms of underlying mental health issues that can be treated. When thought of this way, throwing an addict in prison for being an addict makes no sense. I guess they dry out in prison, but the underlying self loathing and mental health issues are still there. The same is true for weight issues. To “fix” obesity one can diet but the root cause is unseen. Until that underlying cause is worked through, and this work is long term, perhaps life-long, the symptoms remain a constant threat. PS, addiction is also genetic. That’s a whole other edition.

Lilea is now and always has been a beautiful woman. She has been married to Richard, whom she met in college, for 32 years. They have four children together and share in the ownership and running of Town Hill Market, Bar Harbor, Maine Link. And…she has been my sister in law for 22 years.

Five Stock Questions:

What did you want to be when you grew up?

When I was young I wanted to be a marine mammal veterinarian. Now I would like to own a little farm with sheep/ alpaca/cashmere goat that would provide me with fiber to spin and knit, and to be self-sufficient and off the grid.

What are you excited about now? 

I am very excited to have adult children who are following their passions and enjoying life. 

  

What books are on your bedside table?

Quite a stack: 

WE, a manifesto for women everywhere by Gillian Anderson and Jennifer Nadel

Educated by Tara Westover

Girl, wash your face by Rachel Hollis

I thought it was just me (but it isn’t) by Brene Brown. 

Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown

The Secret History of the War on Cancer by Debra Davis 

Several copies of PLY magazine ( a magazine for (fiber) spinners) 

Mindful Knitting by Tara Manning

More Myself by Alicia Keys

What do you do to relax?

I knit and/or spin fiber into yarn to relax….or sometimes I just sit and listen to the birds sing out on my porch. 

What category/subject  would you add to the Guide?

what is your favorite podcast? ( maybe you already have that)

A Recipe You Won’t Hate! Beets, Blue Cheese and Walnuts from Lilea!

I would share the bagel recipe I use that is from a dear friend who made the best bagels on the planet until she couldn’t anymore. It is so long though. 

So , maybe a quick nibble :

Beet Salad with zippy blue cheese and toasted walnuts

Steam some fresh beets until done, peel and slice 

add some very thinly sliced red onion 

Mix a small wedge of blue cheese with a little bit of mayonnaise and a clove of fresh garlic,minced 

Put a dollop of the blue cheese mixture on top of the beets

Sprinkle toasted walnuts on top and enjoy!!

Next coffee will be JUNE 8th, 9:30 on Wednesday at Lucie The Colonnade Hotel Boston

That’s all for now:) …k