Eldercare Story 1: Depression in old age is real
Fresh eyes from a daughter far away
WSG 115
I hear stories from friends about caring for their parents frequently. These aren’t just taking-their-parents-to-the-doctor stories, but more varied, unpredictable and in some cases harrowing. I thought, “I’ll bet there are a lot of readers going through the same thing and wouldn’t it be nice for them to see they aren’t alone? Maybe even connect and help one another?” So, a few weeks ago I asked some fellow bloggers and readers to share their eldercare experiences with our community.
I did not expect everyone I asked to submit their story to do so. They did! Each tale is unique and deserves to be read. With that, I will release one of the stories every three weeks. If you look at the Women’s Survival Guide web site you’ll see a new tab: “Eldercare Stories” where the series is easily found!
I want to thank the contributing readers who I will identify by their first initial and to Lit*er*al*ly, Ororo and Alisa Kennedy Jones who took the time out of their busy professional blogging and everything else they do to contribute to my project. ❤️
D’s Eldercare Story
Summary: Depression in older people is real. Fresh eyes from a daughter far away can see change. Fraud protection in no joke.
While everyone worries about their parent’s physical health, I think it is just as important to focus on their mental/emotional health. It is easy to overlook depression because you get focused on all the physical aliments. If you are lucky enough to have parents make it into their late 70s and beyond, most of them will have repeatedly dealt with the death of family and friends. Plus they have a lot more aches and pains, and the general knowledge that they are closing in on their final turns around the sun is a downer. My antidote for my mom’s occasional depression is to keep her busy, send cards, comics and articles in the mail, bought her a needlepoint kit, I send her audio books etc.
Taking care of a parent from afar is difficult because I can’t be there for all the doctors appointments and to make sure my mom is eating enough etc. The upside is I get to see her with fresh eyes every time I go visit, and I think that is very helpful. When you see someone almost daily or weekly, it's harder to notice problems that might need your attention (If you can’t have someone you trust go with parents to doctors appointments, I find asking my mom to tape it is very helpful). I do spend a decent amount of time vetting the doctors she goes to to make sure they are the experts she needs to see.
I also work very hard preventing my mom from being a victim of fraud (which comes in all shapes and sizes). From the dentist who ripped her off to the tune of $10,000, to the endless text message scams that try to take over passwords and her computer. My basic advice, that I repeat to her monthly, is don’t trust any links that are sent to you by email or phone.. and if anyone calls asking for access to anything, ask for the number and tell them you will call back with your daughter on the line who is a lawyer ( I’m not but they don’t know that and most of them hang up). I also stress that we all fall for scams so she doesn’t feel victimized.
I’m very lucky, my mom has a caregiver who is there 5 days a week and that seems to be the right level. I obviously have phone numbers for her surrounding neighbors for emergencies. All of the kids tried to get my mom to wear an Apple Watch (in case she falls and isn’t by her phone) but she told us to go to hell and she refuses to have one more thing to charge. I’m also lucky in that I have several siblings who are 2 hours by car and can run up and help if needed. I’m not sure what I would do without that knowledge.
Lastly, I think its super important to have either formal or informal talks with your folks about what level of care they want and what they consider a life worth living is. My mom has made it abundantly clear that if she can’t walk, feed herself and go to the bathroom, she is done with this world. Regardless of how you feel, it is very important to be aware of how your parents feel, and get comfortable to uphold those wishes. I know at some point down the road I’ll have to ask my mom to give up driving. I’m not sure how I’m going to have the conversation but I’m sure it won’t be easy.
What I can say about my family personally (three sisters and two brothers) is the females are definitely the ones who do the heavy lifting -we cancel schedules, we change plans. We’re there when we have to be and my brothers definitely rely on that. I don’t know if we weren’t around if they would take up the slack, I hope they would. I will say I have friends who only have sisters and one sister is much better than the other sister so I don’t know that I completely think it’s a gender based thing.
-D
Stay tuned for next week: Thoughts on the “sandwich”of parent and adolescent care on either side.
A few of my favorite things this week:
Monday, August 26th, 7 PM EST, Come to the first Zoom hang out!!
Here is the link Join Zoom Meeting for Monday at 7 pm: https://us06web.zoom.us/j/85396017645?pwd=xITD4H2UNZhW2J6PPKxTlmzcO8g5oB.1
Meeting ID: 853 9601 7645
Passcode: dk5Yzj
Looking forward to a Fall edit with Cai Cai and Penelope! Date to follow!
Decrapping my house! Kids are back to school/launching and in their wake…bags of trash and whatnot…I turn to Marie Kondo for hope. Who do you turn to? Stay tuned for a Fall essay on “The Crap Left in Their Wake: when kids go back to school-Crappa Dappa Ding Dong!”
Until next week, xo k
She is going through it right now. Her mom is very very sick and in the hospital. so I will relay what she wrote me:
If you wanna post it for me, this is what it should say that my mom was hospitalized before Covid and didn’t like being in the hospital so she found an assistant nurse who is willing to come home and work for her and she pays.
Ororo I am guessing you need a lot more info. I can ask her some more specifics when things calm down for her. Meanwhile, I did interview a women (who happens to be my cousin) who has an elder care business. Perhaps she can give you some tips without getting involved unless you want her involved. Here is the link to her interview.
https://www.womenssurvivalguide.com/p/old-time-sake
I can forward her info, too.
Happy to contribute. Thanks for "listening". I'm also curious about how D found and who's paying for the caregiver. That's the one thing we--and my Dad--wasn't prepared for in caring for my mom.